Saturday, June 03, 2006

I Am NOT okay ... Psalm 4

WOW! ...It's 1:19 on a Friday and I just had perhaps the most random 'cry' of my life !?!

It all started earlier in the evening by seeing 'The Break Up" starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. The movie was surprisingly good and commendably honest about relationships and I think it definitely put me into a reflective state of mind. I came home after the movie and, much like I often do, began to play around on the guitar, ever searching for the perfect song. But as I played, I looked up at my screensaver as it cycled through old photographs and saw a never-before-seen image of myself as a child. I studied it. I was holding hands with my handicapped older brother and recently-departed Grandmother as we took an evening walk through the undeveloped desert that existed across the street from the home I grew up in. Nothing particularly remarkable about the picture at all except for the flurry of tiny memories it revived. But as I continued to survey the scene, something small in the back of my throat began to churn. I looked into my brother's eyes. A sinking in my chest began to steal my breath away. I looked into my own. And then the walls came crashing down...

I'll be honest ... there was a flurry of emotions and thoughts far too long to share here now, but the bittersweet cocktail of nostalgia, regret, sorrow, loss, frailty, anger, and angst found its way slowly down my gullet to the depths of my heart ... and I began to weep. I don't weep often. Almost never. It's extremely rare that I find myself alone and transparent enough to authentically weep before God ... but I did tonight. It was a God-to-heart confrontation, and in that moment, I guess He decided to do some serious house cleaning in my soul. Many things about the condition of my heart were revealed to me; many dark corners exposed; but one thing became painfully evident above all others ... I AM NOT OK.

I have not passed through this life unscathed.
I have not healed from the swollen wounds of the past, nor have I withdrawn from the economy of regret and the business of carrying heavy burdens.
My heart has not been spared the grave injustice that daily murders hope.
I hurt in the depths of my chest.
I despair over the fleeting nature of life and the brokenness of the world in which we live.
And I cry out with every ounce of me for JUSTICE and SALVATION and REST and PEACE and BEAUTY and WHOLENESS and RESTORATION and REPENTANCE and HOPE and LIFE !!!
I cry out for Christ.

You probably know how it ends...

I prayed. I talked it all out with God ... every ounce of it. Like a child eagerly listening to a bedtime story, I asked Him to tell me again about the part where Grandmas don't die, and brothers aren't wrongfully sentenced to a life of imprisonment inside a tortured physical shell; where memories don't fade and the innocence of youth is never lost in the undeveloped deserts of life. I begged Him for hope. And finally, I opened His word and sought out one of the first Psalms of David, a man who knew what it was to be still and to seek after God's heart in times of desperation...


Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
How long, O you sons of men,
Will you turn my glory to shame?
How long will you love worthlessness and seek falsehood?
But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.
Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say,
"Who will show us any good?"
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.


At June 04, 2006 9:41 AM , Blogger lauren said...

Carson...thank you.. You have captured on a blog feelings and thoughts I have had. if you put that in a song it would be my all time favorite cry song...ever.

At June 04, 2006 7:23 PM , Anonymous Nick said...

This is the reason we like movies so much. Because most of the time they suggest another life, a better life.

At June 05, 2006 8:00 AM , Blogger Audrey said...

thanks for being so real, Carson. It's nice to know that you're human too, with an emotional side, and not just a perfect rock of stability and reason. which is all well and good, but I don't think anyone is really like that deep down. thanks for being brave enough to be transparent.


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